Dear Jason,

I’m a 35 year old grade school teacher from San Bernardino, California. I have been dating this guy for almost a year and I am pretty sure he’s the one. I’m actually writing you about a problem I’m having my best friend, Karen (That’s not her real name). She continuously flirts with my boyfriend and it makes me so uncomfortable. Whenever we’re together Karen touches him and giggles. She’s tells him how sexy he is. She even plopped herself on his lap once at a party and gave him a kiss on the lips in front of me. I trust my boyfriend completely and I could tell he was not happy when she did this. I’m not the jealous type, but this doesn’t sit well with me. I’ve spoken to several other friends who also know Karen and they tell me I shouldn’t worry. They say Karen is just a big flirt and it’s harmless. Yet I still don’t feel OK with how she acts. Is she being inappropriate or am I just overreacting?

ANSWER

Your other friend’s opinions on the subject are irrelevant. Even my opinion on Karen’s behavior is immaterial. All you need to know is that her actions are making you uncomfortable. You get to say what’s appropriate here and clearly you don’t like how she’s acting.

Be straight with Karen. Let her know you are not OK with the way she acts around your man. If she is naturally flirtations, she might not even know she’s doing anything wrong. The best way to approach her is for you to take responsibility for the way you feel. It could look something like, “You’re my best friend and I know you would never do anything to hurt me, but I’ve been feeling uncomfortable with how you’ve been acting around my boyfriend. When you are with him please tone down your flirtatious nature.” If she’s confused, just give her examples of what she does that you don’t like.

You might feel uncomfortable and awkward saying this to Karen, but it’s better than silently resenting her until you blow up and lose control. If Karen really is your best friend she will understand and respect your wishes. You never have to feel bad about expressing yourself. Just do it in a manner that’s palatable for other people to take.