Dear Jason,

It’s been over 6 years since my wife Miranda passed away. She was only thirty-two when she was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer. We had just given birth to our son Shane at the time and he was only two months old. Miranda passed away within 7 months after being diagnosed. It was the worst time in my life and part of me died with her.

Now I live alone with my son who is 6 years old. My life is mostly routine. I get up, drop Shane at school, go to work and come home. I hardly see my friends except when they come over. I’m a single dad with no life. I’m lonely. I’ve been considering joining one of those websites for getting dates, but I haven’t done anything yet. Every time I go to the computer to register for the website I freeze. It just feels so wrong. I don’t want to replace Miranda. It wouldn’t be fair to her or Shane. Yet as I said I feel lonely. How can I move forward with my life? I feel stuck in misery.

ANSWER

My heart ached when I read your letter. I cannot imagine the pain you went through. I can tell you are still hurting. I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing your spouse was difficult enough, but adding a new born to the picture only complicated matters. I imagine that it was difficult to mourn the death of your wife while trying to raise your son, Shane. It sounds to me like you weren’t able to completely go through the grieving process.

I’m sure your friends and relatives have given you advice. They’ve probably said things like, “Would Miranda want you to be in pain suffering alone?” So I’m not going to do that. I’m sure logically you know that she would want you to have happiness, but it’s obvious your feelings tell you a different story. What you went through was a traumatic experience. In order for you to move forward with your life you need to reconcile with what happened six years ago. Until you have found peace about what happened with Miranda there isn’t space for a new relationship. Giving yourself the space to grieve and make closure with the death of your wife is a gift you deserve and is long overdue.

There are also counselors, programs and groups that specialize in your type of grief. If you haven’t already I suggest you look in your local area for counselors and/or programs that can help. I know life seems impossible right now and I sympathize and empathize with what you are going through. If you ever need to speak with someone outside of your circle you can always give me a call. My phone number is 973-467-6778.