‘Natasha’ came to me because she was great at finding all the wrong men. When she first walked into my office, she sat on my couch, folded her arms close to her chest and crossed her legs. Besides listening to what someone tells me, a big part of my job is listening to what isn’t being said. What her body language said that she was nowhere near relaxed. I asked her if she was feeling nervous and she replied way too quickly, “No. I’m fine.” Clearly she was not fine, nor was she ready to admit that she was uncomfortable.

“So, what brings you in today?” I asked.

She explained, “I can’t find any good men. All the men I date end up being losers or assholes. Most of them just want to screw me and then take off. Who needs that?!” Then she shifted her body away from me and continued, “All the men that I want to date just find me intimidating.”

“How did you come to that conclusion?” I continued to probe.

“Because every time one of my friends sets me up, or I go on a date with a so-called nice guy, the guy acts like a total wuss. I’m already done with the date before it started.” She scrunched up her face and made a guttural sounding “uchhh.”

The “uchhh” told me that she was clearly fed up with dating. I asked if that’s a sound she makes often, and she gave me a hard stare which confirmed that the sound was part of her daily repertoire. I could tell then that she was trying to suppress another throaty noise. “Uchhh” wasn’t just a sound, it was a judgment.

As our conversation continued, she described the multitude of bad dates she’d had, and it seemed each guy she met was more disappointing then the last. Natasha was not afraid to voice her strong disapproving opinions on everything from the way the men dressed to the “stupid” things they said. She particularly hated it when a guy would say something and then back down when she challenged him on it. She was painting a vivid picture of the woman whom all these men had found “intimidating.”

Natasha voiced her opinions with such emphatic disgust that I could imagine her dates: nice guys who may be earnestly looking for a relationship, sitting across from her silently screaming for help and fearing for their lives if they were to unwittingly say the wrong thing. Only a “jerk” would tolerate her nasty disposition, because he knew that if he just appeased her long enough he could probably work his way into her bed.

“How do you feel when people judge you?” I questioned. To this, she sank further into the couch, squeezing her arms so close to her chest that I was worried she might cut off blood flow to her heart.

“Of course, I don’t like being judged. Who does? Uchhh! What is your point?”

“My point is men aren’t intimidated by you. They’re terrified of you.” I explained to the defiant Natasha that the reason people judge is because they are scared of being judged themselves. Natasha used her vile “uchhh” sound (which, quite frankly, sent shivers down my spine) and made faces of disgust because she was protecting herself from being judged. She wasn’t even aware she was even doing it because she’d been protecting herself so long that it had become second nature to preemptively shut people down.

I continued, “I understand why you do what you do when you’re dating, or when you’re in any other situation where you feel the threat of judgment, but if you’re really looking for a nice guy to fall in love with, then that attitude isn’t going to work.”

Her posture loosened just a tiny bit, she leaned forward and shared, “I don’t know how to stop. I do want love, and I know I act like a bitch sometimes, but I don’t know how to stop. What am I supposed to do?”

“Well, you’re doing it right now. As they say in ‘Alcoholics Anonymous,’ the first step is admitting you have a problem.” I explained to Natasha that there were definitely red flags indicating when the bitch was about to be unleashed. Things like the disempowering sounds she makes, or blurting out things like “Seriously?!” or physical sensations like her face getting warm and flushed, or a tightness she would feel in her stomach. As she recognized these familiar symptoms, Natasha began to grasp that the judgment she was feeling didn’t come from anyone else; it came only from within herself.

Over our next few sessions, we worked on techniques that empowered her to leave her protective world while still maintaining a sense of security. She had a few dates where she experienced a sense of freedom that said she’d never had before. She developed a new mantra: “Give up the bitch. Get the man.”

Being nasty to other people, especially when dating, is a common behavior among people who are instinctively trying to protect themselves from ridicule and hurt. The problem is that it doesn’t actually protect anyone from hurt; it just alienates them, which results in loneliness and despair. They find that no one wants to be around them because no one with any true self-worth will tolerate someone who acts judgmental and unpleasant. So, if your search for love has been coming up empty, consider whether you’ve been protecting yourself with a few strong layers of Bitch Coating. If so, I invite you to give it up, because being a bitch just ain’t sexy!