“Lisa” came to coaching because she was still trying to get over a relationship that had ended several months earlier. After dating “Josh” for a couple of months, she was blind-sided when, over dinner one night, he delivered the dreaded “It’s not you, it’s me” speech. Lisa had thought everything was going well, and his cliché breakup monologue knocked the wind right out of her. “How could I have not seen this coming?” she asked, no closer to an understanding than she’d been months earlier. “He made me feel so worthless.”

Lisa painted a picture of the break up for me: After being dumped at dinner, and feeling beyond distraught, Lisa consulted each of her friends, all of whom dispensed similar advice; “He’s a jerk and you’re so much better than him. You need to forget him, move on and date someone who really appreciates you.” Since every one of her friends echoed the same insights, Lisa decided they were right. She told herself to suck it up and move on. She reactivated her online dating profiles and began her search for a new man.

Within a week, Lisa had scheduled dates with six different men. Over the following few months she went on numerous unsatisfying first dates; never a second. She invariably found these men to be boring, obnoxious, or cocky, and although she was “putting herself out there,” the feeling that all of her efforts were for nothing had resulted in frustration and anger. She explained, “The worst part is that I can’t stop comparing everyone to Josh. I want so badly to find a great guy and just forget about him, but that’s obviously not happening. I feel like there is no one else out there for me but Josh and all I want is to just forget him and move on!”

I asked her what Josh had brought to the relationship that was so special that no other man could possibly offer. “First off, he is gorgeous. He has an amazing body, an awesome job, and a beautiful apartment. Everyone who knows him says he’s such a great guy and, truthfully, he is really great in bed.” She blushed a bit at this last note, and then continued to rattle off several other qualities that she was attracted to.

I pressed her further. “OK, I get that he is very appealing and has an impressive resume. What I really want to know is, what did he provide the relationship that made it special. What did he bring to the table that made you feel like this was the best relationship ever?”

To this she had no immediate answer. After pondering a bit she said, “I guess it felt good to be wanted by such an amazing man. When I was with him, I felt beautiful and desirable. I felt so special.”

“Being desired by someone we are attracted to is a wonderful feeling. But when I asked you what he brought to the relationship that made you feel like he was “the one,” you only gave me a laundry list of his special qualities. What that tells me is that the relationship had little to no substance; it was really just the illusion of a relationship. Your ego was being fed because this ‘great guy’ wanted you.”

She defended her recollection by explaining what an amazing time they had together. “When I was with him all of my troubles just disappeared. Doesn’t that count for something?”

“Having fun together is important, but it’s only one aspect of a relationship. A real relationship is not about checking off qualities on a list, or how you feel blessed that this person desires you. A real relationship requires that two people share common goals and desires in life. It demands that both people be on the same page about where they’re going and that they work together to make their dreams come true.”

Because what Lisa valued above all else was the admiration that this amazing guy had for her, she was unable to get over him not because she believed he was the man of her dreams, but because the bruised ego she was left with when he no longer wanted her was still searching for the explanation as to why he dumped her. All she knew was that when Josh stopped wanting her, she felt worthless. What she failed to recognize was that Josh had not deemed her worthless. That was the conclusion she had drawn about herself. She was the one who decided that his lack of desire meant she had no worth as a person…and then she chose to take that nonsense to heart.

“What’s keeping you in a funk,” I explained, “is not that you can’t find someone else who has all these random qualities that you can check off your list. The truth is that you never dealt with the pain that was caused not understanding why this man no longer wanted to be with you. Instead you tucked it away, pretended it was gone and tried to cover it up by finding a new man. Well, you can’t put whipped cream on top of poop and call it a sundae.”

To this she cracked a smile, but it faded quickly. “So how do I get over him? How can I find someone else who makes me feel that special?”

I responded, “You can start by ditching the list, and acknowledging that you don’t need anyone but yourself to make you feel special. No one else can give you what you can give yourself. You’re an amazing person, but the trouble is you don’t see it. You’ve been looking for someone else to make you feel good about you, and that’s just a trap, because the moment that person disappears, you once again go from amazing to worthless. It’s time you start looking at what makes you special and great, so you can see it for yourself, and not just through someone else’s estimation. Once you get how incredible you are, then you can start looking for a partner…then you’ll have something amazing to contribute to the relationship to make it grow and flourish”.

I knew she understood the work that lay ahead of her because, for the first time, I saw a twinkle of hope in her eyes. She then mocked impatience, tapping her watch, and asked, “Okay then, what the hell are we waiting for? Let’s get started!”