(Female – Late 30’s) Dear Coach Jason:
I had a really nice casual coffee date with a guy I met on Match.com last Friday. A few hours later he texted me and asked if I would want to go out again. I responded in the affirmative. “That would be great”. And I still haven’t heard from him. Part of me wants to write him off because I only want to go out with a guy who is really into me. But I also want to 1) call him out on it and 2) let him know that I didn’t forget. Something simple like a text saying “Change of heart?” Leave it or text it?
ANSWER
It seems to me you are taking this a bit too personally and making a lot of assumptions. Yes, he hasn’t called, but for all you know he might never have received your return text. Right now he could be glued to his iPhone praying for you to respond. Or, he might just have had a crazy week and was waiting for a sanity moment before giving you a call.
The truth is I don’t really know why he’s not calling and neither do you. That’s not important. It’s obvious that right now he isn’t the guy for you. Texting to ask you out again is not the way a mature confident adult behaves.
What is most important here is that you recognize your negative attitude when it comes to men and dating. It’s getting in your way! You wanting to ‘call him out on it’ tells me that someone in your past has hurt you and at that time were not able express yourself fully with them. Letting him know you ‘didn’t forget’ tells me that your past wounds have not fully healed and you are seeking closure.
These past negative experiences will keep playing over and over again every time you face uncertainty while dating. They will sneak up on you and have you thinking the worst. The past is no longer real, but unfortunately your brain is treating them as though they are happening right now. These default thoughts will keep you in a pattern of insecurity and loneliness until you courageously ignore them and start taking bigger risks with your personal life.
Know that your past does not define your future. The laws of attraction state that how we think and what we say determines how we act and the results we get in our lives. It’s time to give up your old stories and replace them with something that has the power to bring you happiness. You have the ability to create new empowering perspectives like, “I am beautiful and amazing! Anyone would be extremely lucky to have me as a partner!” Once you do this you’ll be amazed at how fast “Mr. Perfect For Me” walks through the door.
