My Husband is Just a Roommate

Hi Coach Jason,

Four years ago I met the love of my life. We met at a seminar for communication which was so perfect. When we dated it was like being in a fairy tale. He listened to me and we had the most amazing conversations. He made me feel so special and wonderful. After six months of dating he proposed and we were married shortly after that. The first year was great, but two years into the marriage the fairy tale was over.

He owns his own company and spends most of his time at work and so little time with me. Our sex life has gone down the toilet. I asked him to stop working so many hours and spend more time with me, yet nothing has changed. He grew up without money and he hated being the poor kid on the block. He claims that he works so hard so he can provide a wealthy future for us and our future children. I know he is being honest and not straying because he always said from the beginning how much he wanted a family.

However, right now I feel as though I don’t even want to have children with him. I feel like I am living with a roommate and not a husband. I feel unsexy and unwanted. Am I just another check on his list of things to accomplish in his life? How can I get the man I first married back? I’m so scared to let him know how I really feel. I don’t know what to do… Please help!

ANSWER

It seems to me that your husband is a bit confused with his priorities. He is concentrating so hard to avoid recreating the poor life he grew up with that he doesn’t see the present mess he is creating. He has his blinders on! In an effort to achieve his vision of a perfect family, he’s actually neglecting your relationship, resulting in your current state of frustration. This is clearly the opposite of what he wants to achieve.

Warning!!! Do not make this his fault. Remember, he is behaving this way because he truly believes that he is building the road to a wonderful life for you and your future family.

That being said, you are NOT a victim here. You have a responsibility to make him see what is really going on with the marriage. Wait…didn’t you guys meet in a communication class? I’m sure you learned some great tools that will come in handy in this situation. A solid marriage is about collaboration and clear communication, without all the finger pointing. I am inviting you to be courageous and let him know exactly where you are coming from (without unleashing the claws). Work with him to create the new marriage of your dreams; not based on the past, but on the future you want with him.

If you are unable to create clear communication I strongly recommend that you involve a marriage counselor. Remember that if you want a future with this man, the best way to do that is to get back on the same page TOGETHER.

About North Star Coaching

This country has a divorce rate of about 50%. As hard as it might seem to get into a good relationship, trust me, it’s harder to get out of a bad one. That’s why what I do is so important. I am dedicated to helping women get it right the first time. You’re here because you want to have a better life through a strong, loving relationship. Coach with me and I will show you the way.

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